Best DM Ever

My brother Mikey was my first DM, so he gets credit for teaching me the game. But I think most of our time was one-on-one, so it would be not be accurate for me to call him my best DM ever. Best teacher, perhaps, so that still counts for a lot.

Next would have been my friends and classmates I played with early on, but we didn't exactly have a grasp on the nuances of the game (and sometimes not even a few basic rules), and were guilty of Monty Haul syndrome from time to time.

My then-neighbor Kurt was our first long-time DM. He did a pretty good job overall, but he tended to be a bit sadistic. You know, the kind of DM who took glee destroying magic items and killing off characters. He even threw pencils at us from time to time. Oh, and speaking of pencils, none of his ever had erasers - just the metal end, which tore holes in our character sheets when we lost magic items and whatnot.

And for a brief spell, I gamed with another group of chaotic lads. I think they rotated DMs between a couple of guys (Casey and Duane?) but I quit playing with them when they ganked my 4th level neutral cleric because "he was becoming too powerful" or something like that.

Ned has been our longest-tenured DM, our most consistent DM, and not surprisingly, our best DM. He has ushered us through 1E, 2E, our house-rules-heavy 2E, 3E, and currently 3.5 (the 4E debacle is my fault and mine alone).

There are way too many campaigns, adventures, and encounters to recall, so I shan't even try. But over the years, the one constant in Ned's DMing has been baseball (sorry, I mean fun). The ups, the downs, the player vs. player strife, memorable crits, forgettable fumbles, everything we have done has happened with Ned behind the screen. It doesn't matter if it was a pre-written module or one of Ned's homespun adventures, whatever we were doing was going to be run well and entertaining. Of course Ned has had to put up with our shenanigans, grab-assing, arguing, idiocy, and thick-headedness (especially at 2:37am while trying to solve a puzzle or riddle).

We may not have always liked or agreed with every single one of Ned's calls, but nothing has ever been a deal-breaker, and nothing has ever been out of spite or meanness. Well, except for when Ned nerfed the cavalier's ability to function at negative HP levels - I'm fairly certain that was directed towards me. Just kidding, dude.

So a heartfelt thank you to you, Ned - for your skill behind the screen, but more importantly, for your 30+ years of friendship.

Number I Always Roll on a d20

Seriously? How the hell am I supposed to know what I usually roll? I mean, in my mind I always roll crits, and in clutch situations I always fumble, but other than that, I dunno...ten? Eleven? At least I get to end the challenge on a good note tomorrow.

Character I Will Never Play Again

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to throw the bard under the bus at this point in time. I know he fits the role of heroic story-teller, performer, acrobat, and comedian, but I just can't get excited about playing one. I'd rather give a monk or druid a thorough shakedown than play a bard.

Is there anyone out there who can give me first-hand accounts of playing a bard that might help me see the light, so to speak? Anything that might make me reconsider my shunning of the bard?

Future Character to Play

I have always wanted to play a svirfneblin in our 3.5 FR campaign. There have been a couple of planetouched characters, but I'm really curious how a deep gnome PC would compare to typical characters over the course of the campaign with regards to advancement. Do their racial abilities really make that much of a difference? My inclination is to say yes.

The deep gnomes have fascinated me ever since they first appeared in the D series (D2, I believe). What's not to like about a reclusive, naturally magical race of subterranean gnomes? To me, the iconic character selection would be a deep gnome wizard (illusionist), but I would rather go with a rogue or ranger. Hopefully I don't get to play one anytime soon, because I'm not ready to part ways with my elf wizard at this time.

Favorite Non-Magical Item

I'm going to assume the intent here was my favorite mundane item, and not things like longsword, chain shirt, longbow, horse, etc.

It really boils down to two iconic items found in most adventurer's packs - the oil flask and the 50' rope (with grapple hook, if allowed).

An oil flask could refill a lantern, be poured upon a green slime/troll, thrown as a weapon, lubricate a rusty lock/hinge etc, coat someone/something to make it slick (harder to walk/grapple), among other uses.

A rope, however, allows you to climb up/down various pits, cliffs, dropoffs and other obstacles, especially handy if you are not a sneaky type or monk. You can rope a party together, bind prisoners, set traps (snares and triplines), secure people and/or items to horses, wagons, ships, and dragons.

I have to go with the 50' rope. Now if I could just convince my DM to allow me to tie knots while falling, I would be set for life! (Sorry, Dino).

Favorite Magic Item

Really? Favorite Magic Item? How can anyone possibly pick just one??? I can't. There are so many choices it makes my head spin! Old-school artifacts (Wand of Orcus, Axe of the Dwarvish Lords, Hand & Eye of Vecna, etc.) are givens, as are Rings of Three Wishes, Vorpals, Holy Avengers, Cubes of Force...too much good stuff. So I'll take the easy way out and give my favorite magic item by type, as gleaned from the original DMG:

Magic Items table, Holmes-style.

POTION: Gotta go with healing potions here. How many times has the cleric/paladin/druid gone down and the only thing that stood between life and TPK was a potion of healing? Too many times by my count. Honorable mention goes to invisibility. Very handy for anyone needing to sneak into/out of a sticky situation.

RING: Multiple Wishes. 'Nuff said. Runner-up would be Free Action. I once famously (infamously?) raised my middle finger to my DM and stated "free action" when he attempted to hold me. And he has never, ever forgotten that small act of defiance. Pretty much a long-standing joke with the group. Oh, and I'm pretty sure my current wizard would kill for a Ring of Wizardry.

ROD/STAFF/WAND: Staff of the Magi would be a tempting pick, but I have to go with Rod of Resurrection. Honorable Mention goes to Wand of Magic Missiles, back when a certain house rule allowed for expenditure of ALL charges in a single round, effectively turning it into a tommy gun. Mon-ty!

MISCELLANEOUS: Almost too many choices here (Apparatus of Kwalish, Cube of Force, Daern's Instant Fortress, Deck of Many Things, Manuals/Tomes, and Portable Hole among others) but it really comes down to the versatility and strength of the Cube of Force.

ARMOR: Pretty easy due to the small variety of old-school magic armor, so Plate Mail +5 it is.

SWORDS: No blade was more coveted and feared than a Vorpal Sword. Unless you were a paladin and always hoping for a Holy Avenger, of course. Runners-up are the Giant and Dragon slayers, as the double and triple damage respectively were absolute money when fighting those creatures.

MISC. WEAPONS: For my money, the only pick here is the Trident (Military Fork) +3. April Fool! Pound for pound, the Hammer of Thunderbolts is wicked awesome. And if you happen to have a girdle of giant strength and gauntlets of ogre power, it is time to solo the G series.

Favorite Energy Type

Let's go on an ACID trip, baby! As a player and a DM, I think acid-based spells and attacks are great, simply because most players tend to have fire and lightning protection. Spells like acid splash, acid arrow, and acid fog are no save/no spell resistance, so it's not big damage but it is almost sure, constant damage.

Acid can also be used to melt locks and otherwise facilitate escape from some situations where other energy types are not effective.

Help me, I'm melting!

Favorite Monster/Least Favorite Monster

My youngest son had a birthday yesterday, so I kind of blew off posting. Moving on, today we have another combo post to cover my favorite monster and my least favorite monster. Without further ado:

FAVORITE MONSTER:
Giants. Sure, you could say I am influenced by the fact that giants are my favorite type of miniature to collect and paint. And you might be right. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think if you go back in time, I am more inclined to say that it was the G series of AD&D modules that brings me to today's answer.

There is just something inherently cool about giants in D&D. Big, strong, tough, and capable of inflicting massive amounts of damage. But the way the G series was tied together really added to the mystique of giants for me (not to mention the fact it was the launching pad for the D series). It was more than a simple random encounter with giants, which is always tough, but attacking giant strongholds and their various followers, pets, and slaves. It started tough and just got harder.

And if you include creatures like ogres, trolls, and all the other big creatures that aren't "true giants" then you have a whole host of creature types to throw at your adventurers. What's not to love about giants?

LEAST FAVORITE MONSTER:
Brain Mole. AC 9, 1 HP, and they can only attack psionically. Decent chance of causing permanent insanity (20% per round). And if you place it 10' to 20' underground and attack someone using spells or magic items that trigger the mole to attack, how are you supposed to get to it? It just seems like the kind of creature that a mean DM would employ. Perhaps I'm just not a seasoned enough DM to see it as more of a challenge to players than simply a dickhead move.

EDIT: Hey, this is my 200th post! Here's to 200 more. Thanks for reading.

Favorite Monster - Dragon Type

Color me...blue. I've always been a sucker for blue dragons. Not sure if it's simply the color, or the way they are typically depicted in the various editions of the MM, but there is just something about them that makes me nod my head and grin. The dry, arid desert air, the cool underground lair, the crackling of lightning breath unleashed by an angry blue. I imagine a clever blue could whip up a mini-sandstorm with his wings, making the fight even more difficult for the players.

Reds are the iconic pic, of course. And I've always been partial to black and green dragons as well - how many adventurers are prepped to defend against acid or gas when a dragon makes an unexpected appearance? That's what I thought. Oh, and more than once we have had to deal with Dragon Turtles while transiting one body of water or another. Nasty business, those can be.

And lastly, in a totally shameless bit of self-promotion, you can still find my Instant Dragon Generator on WoTC's website. Nothing fancy or too involved, really - the bulk of the work was coming up with all  the different lair descriptions. If you are looking for something meatier, check out this link to the Unexpurgated Dragon Generator I saw on Swords & Dorkery.

Favorite Monster - Humanoid/Fey

This is another one of those "how do I pick just one?" categories. So I will list a few and try to make up my mind. Choices, choices...

Orc: Ah, the indispensable orc. How many villages have they raided, how many caravans intercepted, how many mines overrun by orcses? Pig-faced or otherwise, they have lived and died in countless adventures, and have leveled up many a young adventurer through their low levels.

Lizardman: The Trampier illustration in the MM definitely made an impression on me years and years ago. I've always thought of lizardmen as interesting enemies, and they were a staple in my dungeons and adventures when I was a young DM.

Gnoll: Another humanoid that captured my attention at an early age. Stronger than orcs, and their feral appearance only adds to their appeal.

Sahaugin: These aquatic raiders are hardy and versatile. Only the kuo-toa are more deadly and feared by adventuring parties, at least in my opinion.

Hobgoblin: I actually prefer hobgobs to orcs in my adventures. It must be the fact that they are militaristic, take care of their armor and weapons, and hate elves. And with their natural proficiency at mining, that makes them an enemy to dwarves as well!

Drow: From the pages of the MM: "The 'Black Elves,' or drow, are only legend. They purportedly dwell deep beneath the surface in a strange subterranean realm. The drow are said to be as dark as faeries are bright and as evil as the latter are good. Tales picture them as weak fighters but strong magic-users."

OMG what an awesome teaser for the G-D-Q series! Who would have known at the end of G3 that the adventure was just getting started? And that once let loose, the drow would become one of the most feared and hated enemies of all time? So my pick are the drow, hands down, no debate, easy peasy.

Favorite Monster - Elemental/Plant

No offense to efreet, djinn, and elemental creatures, but I have to go with the shambling mound for today's pick. They are tough physically, resistant to fire/lightning, and can smother the adventurer unlucky enough to be grabbed by a shambler. Where's a druid when you really need one? Or a +3 hedge trimmer...

Favorite Monster - Immortal/Outsider

Ice, ice baby! As in Ice Devil (or Gelugon, if you prefer). I know there are more powerful demons & devils out there, and the various lords and named beings are iconic, but the ice devil has always struck me as an otherworldly terminator, if you will. Cold (no pun intended), remorseless, brutal, efficient killing machines from hell! The illustration from the 1E Monster Manual has got to be one of my favorite all-time black & white creature pictures.

Favorite Monster - Animal/Vermin

I have a love/hate relationship with spiders. They fascinate me and totally creep me out at the same time! I really like the garden spiders around the house and yard (as long as I don't walk into their webs), and some of the larger ones have very cool markings. But the hairy, knuckly ones that skitter around the inside of the house - those, I can do without.

So in D&D, I would pick spiders as my favorite animal/vermin. For DMs, they are incredibly versatile - they come in sizes ranging from tiny to big as a frickin' house, web-spinners to hunters, and can go up against characters from first to epic levels. Just keep them out of my sight.

Favorite Monster - Aberration

Carrion Crawler. What? A creature that does 0 damage? Ah, but that's the beauty behind the crawler's appeal to me. How many times has your character been attacked 8 times, been hit 3-4 times, and forced you to save 3-4 times or be taken out of the fight?

The best carrion crawler miniature out there is the Citadel AD&D version - ADD72. The second best would be Otherworld's Carcass Scavengers (this one and this one). I have never been a fan of Heritage's Carrion Worm.

Honorable Mention for aberration is another zero damage critter - the Rust Monster!

Put one or more of each in a room and watch the entire party scream like girls. Hours of fun for sadistic DMs.

Favorite Monster - Undead

As a DM, what's not to love about undead creatures? Sure, pesky clerics and paladins can foil your plans, but there's still that "oh crap, not undead!" moment when the encounter first unfolds.

My runner-up to favorite undead monster is the spectre (as least from 1E/2E). No offense to vampires, but spectres always made me groan "oh no!" whenever one or more would lay into the party and start draining levels. Same goes for our lower-level characters when wraiths and wights attacked. Ghouls were always a handful as well, just minus the level draining.

But I have to go with the lich as my all-time favorite undead monster. Any time one of our DMs would table a lich, you knew it was time to step up or curl into the fetal position - a lich battle was never, ever easy (unless you rolled crit 00 and killed it with the first swing - but how many times did that happen?). There have been several liches of note in AD&D modules and adventures: the lich from D1, the demi-lich from S1, Szass Tam (ruler of Thay in the Forgotten Realms), just to name a few.

If your party was strong enough and smart enough to best a lich, the thrill of the victory was short-lived, because you still needed to locate the goddamn phylactery! No one could relax until that was dealt with, and then and only then could you think about looking for the lich's loot stash.

Favorite NPC

There have been plenty of NPCs that we have crossed paths with over the past 30+ years. Some have been downright dangerous - assassins in a variety of shapes and forms, wizards, a particularly nasty and persistent vampire, and a couple of anti-paladins for good measure. Others have been "local flavor" varieties - nobles, innkeepers, Jimmy the Houseboy, and grizzled old men who all spoke in a nearly identical crusty, haggard voice (Ned is the bestest DM ever). Each one has in one way or another added depth, humor, danger, or suspense in our many adventures.

As far as memorable NPCs from TSR, I have to go with Icar the blind fighter from Secret of the Slavers Stockade as my favorite:

"Icar is second in command to Markessa the director of this slaver operation, and a battle trained veteran. Icar is blind and has been from birth. But special training he received while a child at a monastery, has made him remarkably sensitive to sounds, air pressure variations and smell, and he is thus able to "see" better than a sighted man."



There is just something very cool and very unique about a "7' tall, black man in black plate mail armor" with a +1 two handed sword called Death's Master. Icar is immune to illusions and visual spells, but susceptible to silence spells. Thanks to a ring of fire resistance, he is also able to stand in the firepit and throw handfuls of flaming grease at the party (see the very cool Jeff Dee picture on the front cover of the A2 booklet).

Best use of NPCs in an adventure has got to be The Village of Hommlet. And I'm not just talking about Rufus and Burne (His Most Worshipful Mage of Hommlet) and Lareth the Beautiful. Almost three dozen structures are populated with NPCs, including my favorite bar: The Inn of the Welcome Wench.

Honorable Mention goes to Eclavdra, the 10th level drow cleric/fighter from Hall of the Fire Giant King. Her name is brought up several times in the series, and it just sounds exotic and dangerous.

Favorite Trap/Puzzle

I hate puzzles and traps. They get in the way of my hacking and slashing! Traps aren't so bad, really, as they can usually be detected by competent sneaky types or detect magic. Disarming or bypassing them is another story, and not always pretty in the end.

Some memorable traps came from White Plume Mountain and the godfather of killer dungeons, Tomb of Horrors. The sphere of annihilation trap, pit of molten lava, the stone juggernaut, cursed wish gem, and of course the demi-lich Acererak.  Even some of the rooms have lethal-sounding names - The Chamber of Hopelessness. Need I say more?

For my adventures, I seem to recall employing traps using monsters. Green slime (a la the moathouse in T1), piercers, trappers, and the ultimate dickhead combo - a couple of rust monsters and a carrion crawler.

Puzzles are another matter. They can add great flavor to just about any adventure, or they can bring the action to a screeching halt. Sometimes it's a matter of timing - a puzzle at 2:48am always seems exponentially more difficult than puzzles presented in the first hour or two of the adventure.

For some reason, I always remember the riddle from White Plume Mountain:

Round she is, yet flat as a board
Altar of the Lupine Lords
Jewel on black velvet, pearl in the sea
Unchanged but e'erchanging, eternally

The answer is "the moon" of course, and if you figured it out, the gynosphinx in the room will lower the wall of force blocking your way. As I was in 6th or 7th grade at the time, I had no idea what "lupine" meant. But you can be damn sure I looked it up in the dictionary when I got home!

Teachers should take note - D&D is a wonderful educational tool! It can boost reading and spelling skills, among others. Use the lupine example above as living proof.

Favorite Dungeon Type/Location

My favorite dungeon is...a dungeon. I need a complex hewn out of the living rock, worked by tools or creatures with natural carving powers. It needs to look organized from above, laid out with purpose - even if the purpose is to kill the invaders. I guess I have OCD when it comes to dungeon design.

Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against organic adventure sites. D1-D2-D3 rank right up there on my all-time favorites list, especially when you throw in the fact they started...wait for it...under a dungeon. There is just something extra-special about going into a fortress, wizard's tower, etc. and discovering a hidden dungeon underneath. Cliche, perhaps, but I like what I like.

Favorite Adventure I Have DM'd

Most of my DMing was done back in the day, when I would run the neighborhood kids and a few schoolmates through various adventures. To that end, I am choosing B1 - In Search Of The Unknown as my favorite adventure to DM. You could stock the dungeon with any number of critters, loot, junk, and random encounters - and never do it the same way twice! As a novice DM, it really grabbed my attention.

Honorable mention goes to B2 - Keep On The Borderlands. Excellent low-level crawl. The owlbear always got their attention, if they felt a little too cocky after knocking off some kobolds.

I would be remiss if I did not give a shout out to T1 - The Village of Hommlet. I don't think I had the proper DM chops to really give this the full experience it deserves back then, but now I have to consider it my all-time favorite low-level AD&D module. The suspense slowly builds up starting in Hommlet, and gets bumped up a few more notches exploring the creepy moathouse (frogs, spiders, and green slime, oh my!). By the time the party reaches Lareth the Beautiful, the tension is so thick you need a vorpal to cut it.

Craziest Thing

There have been plenty of crazy things I've witnessed in over three decades of gaming - so many that I couldn't possibly pick out one. Hastur slain in a single stroke. A hasted (?) vulture lion killed with a single thought. The fate of entire adventuring parties hinging on a single, desperate roll.

I wasn't there, but one time the party stumbled onto the back door into the Pit of the Oracle. And yes, that would be the treasure room.

But the craziest moment? That would be a series of moments scattered over the years, and they were some very animated "discussions" about the rules. Dino arguing about his character being able to tie/untie knots in midair whilst falling. Craig trying to crawl around and drink a potion (think "fly casually"). Clerics trying to reach downed party members as they are about to roll over from -9 to -10 and perish. A thief trying to gain backstab positioning on dragons, demons, or any number of highly intelligent and magical creatures. You get the picture.